Old Funnies Of The Moments

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OLD FUNNIES OF THE MOMENTS

"The Pythagorean Theorem employed 24 words, the Lord's Prayer has 66 words, Archimedes Principle has 67 words, the 10 Commandments have 179 words, the Declaration of Independence 1,300 words, and finally the European Commission's regulation on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words."

Found in a USENET post by jean-paul roumian jp.roumian@mobileway.com

"The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the 'decision altitude' call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls 'go-around,' in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot continues handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of 'land' or 'go-around' as appropriate. In view of recent confusions over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly."

- British Airways memorandum, quoted in Pilot Magazine, December 1996

Man, was it hot today or what!?
- or -
Wow, did you see the barbs on that one??

Thanks to Jim (nikoner2@aol.com ) for use of the picture!

"Are you POSITIVE that I can't take this orally??"

Thanks to Jim (nikoner2@aol.com ) for use of the picture!

So where do the FAST golfers cross??

This was taken from a card that accompanied a $2 computer mouse product. On the card were pictures and descriptions of the company's other products (I'm pretty bad at typing, but not as bad as the guy that translated this):

"A4 TECH: We've gained a lot of prizes for many years until now. Therefore, we supply many products with good quality; and good products are produced from very well factory which is located in mainland China for over 16,000 square meters. The stuff in our company are very well, strictcontrol. We sell over 1,800,000 pieces of mice per month over the worldwide."

If you'd like to check out their products they are at www.a4tech.com.tw

Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff

Ron Zeidler was trying out a new wide-angle lens attachment for his Nikon digital camera and the neighbor's cat just had to come over and make sure it smelled right. Cats are like that.

"He's dead."

This is, apparently, a real picture that I found on the public disk drive when I was in McMurdo, Antarctica. The "dead" penguin is a stuffed toy. I don't know who took/staged the photo, but it was a pretty funny experiment.

(I grew up in South Dakota so I can post this.)

Issued by the South Dakota Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Oasis. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook you something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Wall, Murdo, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to in order to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass cows and our turtles made out of car parts. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Rapid City don't point at the genitalia on the giant plastic dinosaur or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Dakota accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Fargo" because that WASN'T us! That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that South Dakota is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) Writing it "Sue Falls" is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home.

GOOD THINKING

I wonder which one came first? The sign or the license plate? Kenny, one of our local policemen, has a business on the side. As if being a policeman wasn't bad enough for your nerves.